Just Swipe Left

Last week I officially moved to LA! Yay! It was sad to leave Debbie's but the temporary new digs are very nice.

The problem with this move out west is I've been super lonely. My best friend's (The Brostroms) can only hang out with me so much, and now they're an hour away. This past week I went to the movies two nights in a row alone, and finally I was like okay, this is sad.

So I joined Tinder.

For those of you who don't know, Tinder is a dating app that chooses people in your area and you see a picture, they can write a blurb about themselves, and you can click and see more of their pictures, and then swipe left for nope and right for okay. If you guys both swipe right to each other you get a little heart like you're a match! And then they urge you to message each other.

I was picky about who I'd swipe right to. If I like the first picture I have to see the others, and that's important, because some of their other pictures are more revealing about who they are as a person. Less cute guys tend to post a group picture with more attractive friends for their first pic. Super hot guys post a lot of shirtless selfies. Some guys post pics with other women and that's confusing, or with kids that turn out to be like nieces or nephews. The ones that I most enjoy is when they have a funny blurb about themselves, that's usually what reels me in.

The first night I swiped right to eight people, and got eight matches. This leads me to believe that guys swipe right to every picture. I read an article that says Tinder is the worst for average looking guys, because now that you have super hot guys to choose from, you don't go normal. I disagree, because if they were normal I was more drawn to that.

Within fifteen minutes of getting this app I had swiped right to a normal looking dude. He looked like a BYU guy who liked Disney movies. Not normally my type, but he seemed sweet. He started messaging me and it wasn't bad. It was actually enjoyable. And finally he was like "When can I take you out?"

We settled on Sunday. Every day after he would initiate texting, and it never went into anything inappropriate or anything uncomfortable. It was always normal or nice flirtatious. And at one point he won me over when I said, "Oh we need to talk about *blank* when we hang out" and he was like "Yeah I can hold a conversation about that, but to be clear, this is a date and not a hang out, I don't want to be friend zoned already." I enjoyed that.

Sunday, (today), rolls around and I'm totally nervous. So I get on Tinder as a distraction and swipe right to a few other guys, and one guy starts messaging me. He's asking how my day is going and what I was currently doing (it was 1:30pm and I was watching Netflix in my pajamas), and he was like "How about we get you outside and go for coffee?" I paused. Do I really go out with a guy five minutes after talking to him? Then I looked down at my stained night shirt and Drop Dead Diva on the screen and said if you can give me an hour or so to shower, you're on. It could be a warm up for the evening.

I get to the coffee place (which actually was more of a pie place - FREAKING LOW CARB DIET). He walks in the door and comes up to me and gives me a hug...he's a good few inches shorter than me. I want to make this disclaimer, I'm not anti short guys at all. It wasn't even like an immediate nope, this isn't gonna go well. It was more, am I comfortable enough in my body to be with someone smaller, both in height and weight, than myself? Which is a no. I'm too self conscious at this point. That could totally change.

He was way nice. He's also from NC, went to State and UNCW, and was a great person to talk to. He paid for my drink, even though I tried to not let him, it was nice. The place ended up being super crowded and we had to sit outside - all that was available was a busted table, but it was funny. Soon another table opened up that was more shady, and he cleared it off and let me be in the shadiest part. Like props to him for being a decent human being. We talked for a few hours, and had a lot of things in common. Two guys came over from a nearby weed store and asked if they could tie their dog to our chair outside while they went in, and obviously I said yes. And when weed guys came back out, they were actually cool as well. I finally was like hey, I have to leave, I'm meeting friends for dinner (as in other guy), and he's like okay, I actually haven't eaten yet, where are you going? I felt bad, like it seemed like he wanted to keep it going, but I shut it down. He walked me to my car and hugged me. And I left thinking, he could be a good friend.

I was so nervous for second date. We had clicked via texting, and he was the one I had been looking forward to meeting all week. I get to the bar/restaurant, and he walks in. At first I'm like okay, cool, and then it was no bueno.

I couldn't tell what he thought of me, if he thought I was cute enough in person as he thought my pictures were. I said that you order food at the bar, and he was like okay. But made no move to go over there. So I was like "Oh, do you want to order now, or sit here for a bit?" And he's like "What do you want to do?" And just looked at me like he was going to be no help. I led him to the bar.

We had planned on dinner and he just orders a soft pretzel. He did not pay for me (which is fine, whatever). But I was starving at that point so I got a burger, it came with fries, that I didn't eat. And when I got the food I told him to eat them.
Him: Why would you get fries if you're not going to eat them?
Me: Because they came with the burger.
Him: Okay?

Like, buddy, chill. He was not chill.

Literally the first topic that comes to his mind is politics and what's wrong with the world. He said our generation is the worst ever, he hates conservatives, and was just blasting a ton of things. I sat there with a horrified look on my face and he was like "Oh...what are you politically?" I told him I was independent. He didn't love that answer. He's in the air force and is out here in film school. He wants to "make movies that matter" which to him would be like The Imitation Game. He also wants to be the next Stephen Colbert. This guy could never come close to being Colbert. He just has such a negative view of the world and was so combative. Both are huge turn offs for me, so I was already wanting to leave.

I tried to steer the conversation to TV and movies, but he found a way to make that unenjoyable. He had this whole thing on why The Imitation Game and not Birdman should have won best picture (which I completely disagreed with), so that got weirdly heated. It was just tense the whole time.

And then we talked about Frozen, because strangely he loves Disney and musicals, and he was like "Ugh, did you hear all the controversy over Frozen and the gay agenda?" I said I hadn't. And he's like "Yeah, those crazy Mormons thought they were promoting a gay lifestyle with Let It Go. Especially this one Mormon Housewife blogger." I stopped him, "Full disclosure, I'm Mormon." He looked pained, "You are?" Me: Yeah. Him: Oh... He started to think less of me.

The original plan was for us to get dinner and maybe see a movie. When we talked about movies, I made sure to say YOU should go see that, and not WE. He looked like he wanted to interject like, we should go, but I was not letting that happen. And he checked his phone at one point and I was like "Oh, do you need to leave? I know you've been working all day, I don't want to keep you..." And he was like "Oh, yeah, I guess I have been up for a while, but I can stay later..." I said he really didn't have to, and then he was like "I can at least stay until 9." At that point 9 was still a very painful hour away.

I asked him about family and he said he had a nine year old brother. I said how crazy! I have a ten year old sister! He didn't care. After I said I had three sisters, and asked him his number of siblings, he answered and again asked me how many siblings I have.
Me: Umm...three sisters....
Him: That's it?
Me: I feel like that's still a lot.

By the last 15 minutes to nine I was really scraping asking questions, because he really didn't ask anything about me. I asked him about air force boot camp, and he was like "I really legally can't tell you that much." Bull. And then I had nothing to say, I freaking zoned out on a poster. Then turned to him and said, "It's nine, right? You probably need to go."

We walked outside and he asked me if he could drive me home...I told him at the beginning where I had parked, so no, I drove, why would you drive me home? Luckily we had parked in opposite directions so I did a little wave and said, "Nice meeting you!" And he was like "yeah, nice meeting you too!" This is where a hug should have happened, and he seemed like he was expecting one, but I just turned around and immediately had this "Ugh, that was the worst!" face. I wish I could have taken back the hug I gave him at the beginning of the date.

What have I learned?
There's a reason people are tinder.
People act differently via text than in person.
Give shorter guys a chance

At this point I think I'm done with my Tinder. That was exhausting. Especially double booking. I seriously don't know how people date as millennials. I will be single forever. And I think I'm fine with that.